Could You Love Me Like This (Part 2)

If you have not already, I encourage you to read part 1 first*

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Senior Pic: 2007

⬆️ When I look at this young girl, I see a beauty that I wish I could've seen 17 years ago. Her beauty does not stem from her hair or makeup, nor is it derived from the cute dress she is wearing, although how cute is that dress? Her physical appearance does not define her beauty. It is her compassionate heart and deeply perceptive soul that exude true beauty. Her radiance emanates from within her being. Instead of walking the halls of high school with poise and self-assurance, I found myself incessantly observing the popular girls, pondering the qualities they possessed that I lacked. Does this scenario ring a bell?

During my high school and college years, I was around a size 4/6. I always felt self-conscious about my body size. I wanted to be a size zero. I wanted to look like the cheerleaders. I yearned to confidently wear a bikini and flaunt my non-existent abs. Unfortunately, my silly insecurities held me back from numerous experiences like pool parties and trips to the beach, all because I didn’t have a flat tummy or thigh gap. It is worth mentioning that it wasn't just the popular girls I was jealous of. Many of my girlfriends were involved in sports. They dedicated themselves to rigorous training which shaped their bodies. Then you had me, the girl with zero athletic ability. Though there was nothing inherently flawed with my body, it was evident that it lacked the same level of lean muscular definition as many of my girlfriends.

College: 2010 with my Chi Os

⬆️ I have a vivid memory of standing in front of my floor-length mirror, questioning whether my body looked thin enough to go out that night. I couldn't help but focus on that small fabric flap near my stomach. I didn’t have a chest to fill out the dresses. I didn’t have that golden bronze TNT tan. I didn’t have the pin-straight hair with the perfect 2010 bump (IYKYK) or the whitest of teeth. Because I wasn’t a huge partier, I never could seem to magically turn myself into a hot little number by midnight. Don't think I didn't try though. Let's be real, by midnight I was usually in my PJs watching dateline reruns in bed.

Look, I could kick my younger self. I was your average cute, clumsy, and quirky gal. Yet still I couldn't shake this selfish need to be desired by others, to be seen as the "it girl." I was really just yearning for the experiences and attention these girls seemed to effortlessly attract. And if I'm being 100% honest with you, there were plenty of times during my late teen years when I abandoned myself to feel the thrill of being pursued, to feel sexy and desired. When I reflect back on those times, I realize why I was so obsessed with being considered hot. I genuinely believed that the hotter you were, the easier your life would be. And to some degree that was AND still is true. During my junior year of high school, a group of popular girls entered our English class and handed our male teacher a collage of themselves in bikinis as a way to earn extra credit. They all received As that quarter. It’s comical how attractiveness seemed to exempt them from dress code violations too. I remember one time I wore a frayed jean skirt to school and was promptly sent home to change, while the pretty girls freely roamed the halls in mini skirts and crop tops. The message was crystal clear to me: if I wanted to be accepted, I needed to be both beautiful and kind-hearted. Reflecting on these experience serves as a constant reminder of my journey towards recovering from being a people pleaser.❤️‍🩹

While some of these insecurities are very common during the process of growing up and coming of age, my OCD brain magnified them to another level. I carried a lot of shame around feeling so insecure too, especially because I didn't consider myself to be unattractive and I knew deep down my worth stemmed from being a good and kind person, not from how I looked. I most certainly didn't hate myself enough to fully invest in chasing after a superficial image of beauty. Never got that far! It was more about seeking validation and desiring to be more than just a social butterfly. I yearned to be the MOST attractive butterfly as well 🦋 It feels super uncomfortable to confess this by the way. It feels superficial and shallow because I know better now. But, you know, when you are immersed in it, clarity isn't always evident. Being a teen girl can be downright brutal! Having a preteen in the house is a big reason WHY I want to have these conversations now!

Today I am 35 years old. My body (and my jean size) looks quite a bit different than it did in my late teens/early 20s, as it should.

As I've matured, many of my insecurities have diminished and my priorities have become much clearer. However, despite these positive changes, I still can't shake the burden of conflicting messages regarding what constitutes a healthy body. Allow me to share the most valuable lessons I've learned on my journey towards self-love thus far:

1.) Sometimes weight really is just a number. I’m not saying being morbidly obese is healthy. Of course not. But so many of us get caught up on some number that is constantly fluctuating and that often doesn’t give us the whole picture. I used to obsessively weigh myself in my 20s which only made me feel worse and led to bouts of serious food restriction. Like many women, I picked a goal weight and told myself when I saw that number glisten across the scale, I’d finally be happy. It’s a lie. I got to that number once a few years ago and felt no different. Chasing a number won't make you happy. At least it never did for me.

2.) In my opinion, BMI (Body Mass Index) is completely unreliable and it's astonishing that it is still being used as a measure of health. Let me give you an example involving my husband. My husband is shorter in stature and has a muscular build. Due to the fact that muscle weighs more than fat, his BMI puts him on the verge of obesity. As a result, there have been instances where he has had to pay additional fees for our health insurance, despite his overall appearance of good health. Furthermore, his recent physical examination confirmed that he is a perfectly healthy 37-year-old man. This just reinforces my belief that relying solely on BMI for health assessments is flawed and unfair.

3.) I am the height of a typical 5th grader. My daughter who is going into 5th grade is almost taller than me. I have no torso so any bit of fat is going to show, period. Unless I start starving myself or start up CrossFit 6 days a week, this is what I’m working with. And we are supposed to have some fat on our bodies. Unfortunately, I just don't have anywhere to hide it and honestly, maybe I shouldn't be hiding it in the first place.

4.) I’ve had 2 kids and have some loose skin around my belly. This is normal! We need to normalize this.

5.) Women’s hormones can play a major role in weight gain or weight loss. My hormones have been out of whack lately so I’m dealing with a lot of bloating and body composition changes. Also lots of hair loss, that's been real fun.

6.) My metabolism is slowing down. I’m 35, not 18. So why on God’s green earth am I essentially trying to look like a teenager? I am aging, so are you. And it's not a bad thing, no matter how many times the beauty industry tries to tell us it is.

7.) Perhaps I have a touch of body dysmorphia. Gosh, that's a post for another day.

Is there a common pattern you notice here? We constantly hear that our bodies are never good enough unless they fit into narrow margins. I strongly suspect that I am not the only one who has experienced these emotions. I’ve been eager to express my thoughts on this matter for quite some time, but discussing my body feels incredibly vulnerable. It is undeniably challenging to love our bodies when we are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages. Everywhere we turn, we encounter seductive billboards and images of partially clothed women in magazines and on TV. It seems that weight loss products are being marketed at every corner.

Last year I had a wonderful session with one of my therapists. We were talking about poor body image. I told her I thought a lot about how nice it would be to just get a little liposuction and maybe put in some breast implants. How maybe then I would feel more beautiful. What she said back was incredibly insightful and a reminder I often revisit. Essentially, she pointed out that with enough money and resources, women have the ability to alter their appearance in almost any way they desire. Just think about it. You can make cosmetic changes to almost every aspect of yourself. However, amidst all these possibilities, there is only one version of you—the natural, beautiful you. No amount of money can replicate that. Sure, anyone can invest in blowouts, hair extensions, Botox, fillers, facelifts, liposuction, or breast augmentation. In fact, a skilled cosmetic surgeon can completely transform a person, sometimes to the point of being unrecognizable. But here's the important part: there is only one me, Caitlin Lagnese, and she is pretty amazing just the way God made her.

The truth is, I've spent my whole life chasing a body type that was perhaps never meant for me. I preach self-love and self-acceptance, yet here I am at 35, working out at the gym just to look prettier. The whole workout I'm only thinking about fixing the many "problem" areas that the world has deemed too much, too large, or too ugly. I recently had to take a break from Orange Theory because I couldn't stop obsessing over wanting to look like all of the hot fit housewives who can balance quarters on their booties. Instead of being happy for them and appreciating their strength and hard work, I was running next to them, struggling to keep up. I even pushed myself so hard once during a class that I almost fell on my ass on the treadmill during an asthma attack. I stood out like a sore thumb. I was also way too fixated on those stupid splat points. So I decided to take a step back and work out at home with my husband. I realized that I needed to go back to basics and exercise for the right reasons. I needed to first repair my broken relationship with fitness before joining any more gyms.

I don't want to shame those who are considered hot and beautiful by our society. If you happen to fit into those beauty standards, that's great! I genuinely admire and celebrate that. What I'm trying to emphasize is that the majority of us who don't fit into those standards should not be shamed or made to feel inferior. Furthermore, perhaps we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves either. I'm beginning to realize that if we truly want to see change, it has to begin within us.

So when it comes to that question, Could you just love me like this? Well, I am certainly willing to try. Even though I may not be completely content with my imperfect physical features such as my lumpy tummy, stretch marks, wrinkles, thinning hair, and plague psoriasis, I recognize that each of these tells a unique story. My lumpy tummy symbolizes the incredible journey of carrying my two precious babies for nine months. Every wrinkle and grey hair represents the experiences and wisdom I have gained throughout my life. And my plague psoriasis serves as a constant reminder to stay humble.

I wish I could go back in time and shake some sense into my old insecure self, but I think many of us go through that phase as we navigate our way through early adulthood. I aspire for us to grow older and gain a clearer perspective, recognizing our inherent beauty and strength. As women, we experience a multitude of challenges and face unfair expectations to constantly exude delicacy and grace. I am tired of diminishing myself to conform to societal norms. And so should you. By writing this piece, I am attempting to take small a piece of my power back. I'm leaving all the shame, guilt, worry, and comparisons behind, remembering that physical appearances will change and fade over time, but a genuine and kind heart remains timeless ❤️

Xoxo,

Caitlin

Dedicating this piece to my daughter, Josie! May you shine bright and never forget your worth! We can do hard things baby girl! Forever and always ❤️