Sorry, Not Sorry

I’ve always been the girl who said sorry, even when I wasn't. I was often the girl perceived as overly emotional, and I found myself apologizing for that as well. As a child, I had strong feelings that overflowed, while those around me suppressed their emotions. My feelings would burst forth like a persistent water leak, regardless of how many times I tried to control them. It wasn’t always pretty or easy, and trust me, the world didn’t like that.

Let me bring you back to 4th grade. I had the most loving and emotionally in-tune teacher that year. We always started the day by talking about feelings. It was a morning meeting of sorts, a mental check-in if you will. Naturally, it was my favorite part of the day. The teacher would pull out her feelings wheel and give us all a chance to share how we were feeling that day. Of course, I always raised my hand first. I pretty much led the morning meeting of emotions. I remember scratching my head, wondering why no one ever wanted to share their feelings with the class. This was what I lived for, forget math and science! But it didn’t take long for me to start noticing the eye rolls and sighs from my classmates who wished I’d shut up already. By January my hand rarely raised for morning meetings, even when the teacher nudged me to share. The message from my peers was clear, I was too much. So I apologized and moved on.

I grew up an only child in Berea, Ohio, a quaint suburb of Cleveland, Ohio. In many ways, my childhood was reminiscent of the PBS cartoon Arthur. I pretty much grew up in Elwood City with all my pals meeting up at the local neighborhood treehouse to figure out the plan for the weekend. We loved riding our bikes up to the local ice cream shop and enjoyed floating down the Rocky River on makeshift rafts. I came from a pretty good home with overall loving and supportive family members. I always had a roof over my head and food on the table. I had plenty of friends. I did well in school. But despite all that, I could not help but overthink just about everything. I could not help but obsess over the afterlife at age 8. By age 10 I was reorganizing the produce section at my local grocery store, saddened by the messy state of the apples. And my favorite emotional party trick you ask? Why of course people-pleasing. By the time I got to high school, I had perfected my need to please. 

It’s like no matter how hard I tried to conceal my deep feelings and worries, they always found a way to reappear. I was born in the late 80s. No one was talking about emotional intelligence. No one was talking about mental health. No one was talking about feelings. By the time I graduated from high school, I was a pro at apologizing for everything I wasn't sorry for. Through it all though, I was fortunate to have my parents' unwavering support, allowing me the freedom to be my authentic self. They never made me feel like my emotions were excessive or that I was too much to handle. Together, we formed a family that was emotionally in tune, even if our expressions weren’t always constructive. We may not have been a cookie-cutter family, but considering my parents' youth, they navigated our challenges with the tools they had quite well. Looking back, I feel grateful that my feelings were always acknowledged. Despite the ups and downs we faced personally, a profound, unconditional love always underpinned our family dynamic. My husband and I are committed to raising our children in a similar manner. We have no desire to raise perfect little robots who merely go through the motions, only to face a crash when they lack essential life skills and coping mechanisms. Instead, we focus on being a supportive family, with unconditional love as our foundation.

By the age of 22, I received my first diagnosis of OCD and clinical depression. At 28, I was further diagnosed with PPD, PTSD and manic depression, leading me to enter a transformative therapy program that profoundly altered the trajectory of my life.

Here are the top 3 life lessons I have learned on this mental health journey; I hope it resonates with you:

1.) I was BLESSED, not cursed, with an emotional brain. I still ugly cry at the movie Homeward Bound for goodness sake, which my daughter lovingly pokes fun at me for. How do you not feel a little tug on your heartstrings when Shadow shows up on that hill limping into Peter’s arms right alongside Chance and Sassy? It gets me every time because I have this natural ability to really engage and connect with these characters. Even now at 37. For a moment I am Peter and Shadow is my dog. It is important to note though that I have to be extremely careful with the media I consume. For instance, I love true crime but it can get dark and heavy really fast.

2.) Some of the saddest and loneliest individuals often struggle to express their emotions. There are various reasons for this. For some, it stems from a lack of education about feelings, perhaps growing up in a home that wasn't particularly nurturing. Others may choose to suppress uncomfortable emotions, burying them deep within their emotional baggage. Additionally, some take pride in appearing stoic and composed. However, I want to emphasize an important truth: since starting my blog, I've spoken to countless women who grew up deathly afraid of their parents, in environments where discussing feelings was taboo. Recently, I spoke with a woman who experienced sexual abuse by a family member in her childhood. Although that family member was imprisoned, the unspoken rule was to never discuss it again. At just 14, she attempted suicide for the first time.

3.) Over the years, I've come to realize that I’m an empath. It’s funny how certain songs or scents can instantly transport me to cherished memories frozen in time, which is pretty remarkable. However, along with these empathic abilities come some significant challenges. One of the most notable for me is my tendency toward people-pleasing, although I now see myself as a recovering people-pleaser. I will have a whole post on this coming out soon because I know I am not alone!

So I think it's safe to say most of my identity is indeed wrapped around emotional and mental health. This begs the question, am I too emotional; Am I too much? Or am I just paying attention? Do I feel too much or perhaps do others not feel enough? While I can’t control how others view my emotions, I can tell you how I view them. I was beautifully and delicately made, woven by the emotional hands of my creator. What the world sees as emotional or mental quirks to be frowned upon or suppressed, I see as little gifts. Mastering the art of emotions makes for a more fulfilling life. Man is it good to be alive and thriving, feeling all the emotions the world has to offer! I no longer apologize for being emotional. I no longer apologize for my mental struggles or hard days. I no longer apologize for things that I'm not sorry for. 

I'm done being sorry and so should you!

#sorrynotsorry

xoxo,

Caitlin